'Ff'lo (fflo) wrote,

still up.

i need a real night's sleep so bad. but any more it's a struggle to bring myself to put my body down & let go of my consciousness. like the book's too good. funny, i never have that problem with actual books--- or rarely. in fact if i were to lie down & read, i'd drop right off. so i'm not doing that. i'm pushing it.

right now i'm thinking about the push-me-pull-you of wanting so much for someone to take you seriously but then being barely able, or outright unable, to take it when someone does. i've been on both ends of that one, i'd say, sometimes with what feels like really clumsy eagerness (on each). and here i'll delete several sentences that this paragraph originally plunked down, but leave you some words from them: "really bright" and "tortured" and "extraordinarily appealing" and "offer" and "not always dead-on right, let alone welcome". and the dreaded "pushed back".

they played a clip from planet of the apes on some radio show last weekend while i was doing dishes. the famous "ah, damn you! god damn you all to hell!" line. so that's replaced "goodness, goodness, goodness sakes alive" in my worn-and-skipping mental record groove.

hope it doesn't get me in trouble muttering it while getting coffee in the admin kitchen tomorrow a.m. or later this a.m. today i stepped out onto the ramp and said "fuck", just like one does that all the time. just cuz that's what came out' my mouth.

my consciousness actually wants to turn off for a while now. it and my body are in concert in this regard. why am i fighting it so?

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