thought of posting this poll (results kept secret)---
Fill in the blank: I wish people would just let me be _______.
---and then maybe talking around stuff around that some---but now i'm just thinking of the Courageous Steve story. of all the Courageous Steve stories---and he might be surprised to learn that i think there are several--- the one i recently told somebody, who (i believe) seemed also to find it impressive (though i, unimpressive, cannot recall to whom i just told it), is the one that's coming to mind tonight. it's about the time he got an e-mail from DKD, months after she'd blown most of us off (not quite L yet, but perhaps only cuz the bf didn't know L was, by then, a perv like the rest of us). i mean, S was quite curious about what was going on with D, to hear him tell it (again, as i recall), if not perhaps as curious as some of the rest of us, but when he started reading this e-mail he ---was it you, shmizla? that i just told this tale to?--- when he started, he was reading along and saw, near the beginning of the message, something like "this may be cruel, but..." ---and he stopped.
maybe it was back when we were reading e-mail on terminal screens in big green or orange letters on black, and easier to stop short at a phrase. or not. anyway, i believed him, and not just cuz i wanted to. i believed him cuz i believe he did what he said he did, even if, to me, it was a most remarkable act of imagination: he hit "delete" (or whatever primitive keystroke[s] brought about deletion) and dispatched the message into cybernothingness. put in colorful terms like that, even, when he told me.
the colorful terms weren't enough to distract me much from my first reaction, which was "but now you'll [and we'll] never know whatever the fuck she said!" i believe E joined me in shocked outrage, if only cuz he'd blown some potentially juicy fodder for dish. but i did manage, pretty quick, to register an impression of strength. and it wasn't that much later that i found myself feeling real admiration, and envy, and determination to get to such a point myself someday.
oh, i know i'm telling the story so badly it's almost as if i'm not telling a story. and so maybe i've not even laid out enough to go on to say this: you may think it was the opposite of courage, to banish the binary, sight-unseen, not giving a good g-damn what the writer might think he knew or what the banisher himself might later wonder. after all, he saved himself exposure to something that would surely be---had been announced to be---hurtful to someone, and quite possibly to him. well, very likely hurtful to him, either way, since what hurts others hurts Steve too, so much of the time. but i thought his act was full to the brim with courage.
and here i am again, saying "courage" in my affected middle english accent, and taking it all (too much) to "heart."
and to think i'd kinda planned to spill the whole sordid tale of tammy sue bennett for ya'll tonight. if i can barely tell this story, that one would come out the biggest mess you ever did see. speaking of colorful ways to say something.
"plum through finished" is the expression (my mom used) that ALG reminded me of today, with his "plum tuckered." plums seem to stand for desirable things, and extreme things. which sorta makes sense, that yoking. to me.
or was it only "done through finished"?? ha ha ha.
"i loves ya, rob-dob, but you can't have that." well. my attitude in theory, and in legend. in lore. and somewhat, eventually, in practice. which i guess is the point of the lore.
jesus, i need some kind of brain chemistry drug. this is the thing to do any more, isn't it? play with the synapses? the home version of the game? i think i need to be like the other cool kids. send your cast-off psych meds to fflo, c/o this station, new york city, new york, new york, 60609.
stevie had been the one DKD liked to sing that edie brickell song about: "me, / i'm a part o' your circle of friends, and / we / notice you don't come around..." (with the little lilt in "around")