'Ff'lo (fflo) wrote,

new nickname for me?

It hit me this a.m.: Fat Lot of Good. Or Fat Lot o' Good, or Fat Lotta Good. Sans sarcasm---sincere. I like the flip that flips the flip(ped) back to genuine connotation. Like my mother & me trying to say "Big deal!" sincerely---just those two words, and not as a question.

"Fflo" could also stand for FFat LOtta Good. FLG. yup. Fat Lotta Good, that'll do ya!

It's quite immodest.

Cafe Zola for brunch today. Good. Bought some britches. (Not at Zola.) It was sunny and "warm" by recent standards; the snow's a-meltin'. Could actually see the ground in places in the yard for the first time in a long time when I got home from my gadding about.

I was telling BFD last night (she's walking again, btw) (after a fashion!) that I've been thinking about something in what you might call personality management (one's OWN personality, that is) that I can't think how to describe better than the somewhat annoying expression "channeling your inner bitch." Thinking about that practice, that is, as a potentionally good/helpful exercise for me.

I've had some pals---particularly in the past, Back East---whose relative meekness tended to make me feel like a steamroller, just being in the same room with them, practically, let alone interacting. And I remember not liking feeling myself in that position, but at some point liking even less making myself sufficiently small as to be smaller than those very good at being very small. Not that I like being around people going the other way so much. I prefer the meek, but don't like that feeling that I can overwhelm people by doing pretty much anything more than breathing. Yet I won't get sucked into competing forever in a contest of who can give away more power.

I've not thought this thing out much at all to speak of, but here I am speaking of it anyway: it's my perception that there's some tripping point at which I don't care any more whether I come off as---or, myself, feel, relatively---bossy, dominant, or adjectives of that un-"lady-like" or scary-ogre ilk. Despite considerable discomfort with feeling situated in that sort of position. And insofar as that line or tripping point is fluid in its location, maybe I shall play with moving it more in the "bitch" direction. Cuz why not?

Don't worry, I won't start screaming at ya'll or anything like that.

I don't think of it as an assertiveness issue per se, though I suppose it is. I suppose it's more that than a dominance issue.

"Dominance" these days makes me think about dogs more than about a concept/practice in sexuality and that kind of play.

But I guess there's some echo or element of any of that business in a matter of coming into one's own power. The language matches up sometimes, after all.

I'm kinda foggy tonight, having come down quite hard from the caffeine & sunshine.

Got a Cheryl Haworth postcard at Peaceable Kingdom. It's on the fridge.

-- One Fat Lotta

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