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Administration Explains NSA Monitoring of U.S. Bathrooms

May 12
Washington DC

In an uncharacteristically prompt response to reaction surrounding the latest leak of NSA terrorist-fighting activities, the Bush Administration sent none other than the President himself to address the controversy, which erupted after TV Guide, not usually known for its investigative journalism, broke the story of extensive video monitoring by the National Security Administration of activity in U.S. bathrooms. Although the President did not confirm or deny the program, which was said to include more than 450 million bathrooms, public and private, he did say that the NSA has gotten better and better at processing data, that no names and addresses of anyone involved in such a program, if it existed, would be monitored in direct association with their hand-washing habits, and that all surveillance in such a program, if it existed, would not only be legal but would focus only on observing patterns of toilet paper usage that might lead to uncovering terrorism. Asked whether such an effort, if it existed, might include analysis of audio tracks, for review of such factors as semi-verbal indications of dialect and any relationship to terrorist activities, the President declined to comment.

For the briefing, the President wore a tie of an especially manly color of red, and joked with reporters about his role as spokesperson for his own Administration's operatives. "I guess they thought I was the best-looking one," he chuckled, and then concluded with "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to use the bathroom!"

A CNN/Gallup poll showed that 72% of respondents agree that it's important to keep a sense of humor in the face of what will probably turn out to be petty, meaningless accusations. Democratic comment on the issue is already muffled, and expected to die down entirely before the end of the day.
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