... this solitude, and the prospect of it continuing a long while, feels pretty heavy at the moment. I had a terrible thought a minute ago, and I'm coming here to tell you about it, to get it out of me: I've wondered who might be willing to come take care of my cats if I have to go into the hospital cuzza catching the thing, given that then my place would be "hot". And the thought is that if I died by some other means first, it'd be less hazardous for someone to come get 'em.
Not that I want that. It's just a terrible thought, to have it, and weigh it.
I went for a walk, and some people on the street were friendlier than others. One woman I know, vaguely, didn't speak, while making an arc around me with her dog, even when I said hey. She was friendly to others, though, and that bummed me out a bit.
Earlier peteralway called, and we talked a while. And I Zoomed last night with a chorus committee, and will Zoom in the morning with a different group. Still.
I mean, here's the rub: it's not that different from my ordinary life, this aloneness. I'd get some reminders of this state, kinda getting through my thick skull, before this happened. They just come a lot more, when I imagine (as one can hardly help but) a projection of this way of life for months and months, possibly with some loosenings up, possibly not, and possibly for the rest of my life. I know I take too much of a sense of meaning from interactions with other people--- or a lot, anyway. I oughta be able to find meaning or a sense of it on my own. And sometimes I do.
This morning I did think, though, how rough this time must be for those prone to paranoia anyway. Like, as soon as one of them wonders if there really even IS a virus, or is this an experiment in population control involving some grandly organized cover-up and simulation--- what's that poor soul to do?
Yes, I wondered that thing. So far, at least, I know not to go there. That is a super-dangerous rabbithole. That rabbithole you can't get help climbing out of.
Definitely time to eat something, I reckon.
Now I've eaten salad and a nectarine and some pretzels and there's a cat on my lap and an old movie on and I'm using the LJ app to say I'm aware of SO many ways this could be worse, for me personally.( Collapse )