March 20th, 2020

flower

Maybe my blood sugar's just low right now, but ...

... this solitude, and the prospect of it continuing a long while, feels pretty heavy at the moment. I had a terrible thought a minute ago, and I'm coming here to tell you about it, to get it out of me:  I've wondered who might be willing to come take care of my cats if I have to go into the hospital cuzza catching the thing, given that then my place would be "hot".  And the thought is that if I died by some other means first, it'd be less hazardous for someone to come get 'em.

Not that I want that.  It's just a terrible thought, to have it, and weigh it.

I went for a walk, and some people on the street were friendlier than others.  One woman I know, vaguely, didn't speak, while making an arc around me with her dog, even when I said hey.  She was friendly to others, though, and that bummed me out a bit.

Earlier peteralway called, and we talked a while.  And I Zoomed last night with a chorus committee, and will Zoom in the morning with a different group.  Still.

I mean, here's the rub:  it's not that different from my ordinary life, this aloneness. I'd get some reminders of this state, kinda getting through my thick skull, before this happened.  They just come a lot more, when I imagine (as one can hardly help but) a projection of this way of life for months and months, possibly with some loosenings up, possibly not, and possibly for the rest of my life.  I know I take too much of a sense of meaning from interactions with other people--- or a lot, anyway.  I oughta be able to find meaning or a sense of it on my own.  And sometimes I do.

This morning I did think, though, how rough this time must be for those prone to paranoia anyway.  Like, as soon as one of them wonders if there really even IS a virus, or is this an experiment in population control involving some grandly organized cover-up and simulation--- what's that poor soul to do?

Yes, I wondered that thing.  So far, at least, I know not to go there.  That is a super-dangerous rabbithole.  That rabbithole you can't get help climbing out of.

Definitely time to eat something, I reckon.