May 4th, 2018

Hopey thinker

I keep not dealing well with Things.

Things keep feeling overwhelming.  The impulse to shut down and not deal with Things is strong.  But I only have myself to count on.  So I can't do that.  Right?  (Say "Right," Lisa.)  (C'mon, girl.)  I have been shutting down, in stretches, when I can get a shut-down mechanism to work.  I'm not even keeping up with Things.  I hate Things.  I don't like that I hate Things.

I also really hate being close to tears when not in a tear-friendly situation.  I don't know why-all I feel so vulnerable these days, but I sure do.

It seems like lotsa Things just keep getting worse, harder, more hopeless, deteriorating, etc.  And, in little ways here and there, piling on, lonesomer.

Plus it seems like I am never gonna get out of debt.  I almost hate getting close-ish to it again, like an oasis I'll never reach, and like progress isn't gonna help with the next kick in the teeth.  Lots of the words for torture have a tease / bait / entice-and-deny meaning.  Sisyphus.  Sirens (the women, not the alarms named after them).  The x axis on the debt reduction chart.

I'll deal with what I have to deal with.  Cuz I have to.  I need to be a better friend to myself, and help me out.  I want to be a better friend to myself, and help me out.  Including somehow not asking more of myself than I can manage, even if I need it, or sure could use it, and sure don't feel like I've got what it takes.

It gets weird fast, thinking about one's relationship with oneself.

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