January 23rd, 2008



lots of dreams last night. remember 'em probably most cuz i woke up with a start, at the end of the first set, after in it my father was apparently having another fatal heart attack in front of me.

this time was different, of course. Collapse )

after that last sequence, though it was only 7, and i hadn't gone to bed until nearly 2, i decided it would probably be more restful just to stay awake.

Part I: Celebrity Autobiography

With the air in my lungs
I'm aware I exist.
               -- Jesse Rifkin

While I was sick, I read Steve Martin's memoir of life as a stand-up comic. In the large print edition---that was the first available from the library. Being all old & everything, I should probably not want to point it out, but it was kinda nice having large print. A little weird at first, but easier.

Somewhere along in the middle of the first half of the book, he talks about suddenly being felled by an anxiety attack. Not knowing what it was, having it come back when he described it, eventually reading about them. He tried to cope by not repeating the triggers, but that was especially hard since one of them was nighttime. Anyway I hear that's not the way to go about it. Can just lead to their having more power over you.

After a year it was somewhat better for him, but it was 20 years before they went away for good. His "dime store psychology" idea about the initial cause of the freaking was that he was in over his head, not prepared, or good enough, for what he'd taken on professionally, which included being a writer for the Smothers Brothers TV show. But that his conscious mind couldn't allow the fear.

I don't know how he can fail to see the connection to his having studied philosophy.