August 14th, 2007


pushing my luck with the exhaustion

it's started to get my attention when i do this thing, this sleep deprivation et al [sic] et al. as in why i might be doing it. don't get much further than asking, but that's still something--- noticing, and wondering. not stopping it, not wanting to stop it, but noticing, and a small voice saying "why?"

i also wonder why it is that it always manages to stress me in some set of ways when the boss lady is out. it's not like anything really ever happens that matters a whole lot that way, or can't wait. and it never feels like a big deal, even though i joke about it going in sometimes. but, i dunno, there are all these little things, i always forget, and ---and it very probably doesn't help anything when i'm barely awake, running on fumes, what you will.

i like my new horoscope. Collapse )

"cooperate with cosmic rhythms": i can do that. i been getting that groove lately, after all. a lot. screw the IQ, the puzzles, even the moods---it's those last two i want more of. those, too, i been getting, better, lately.

another post of vague generalizations & hot air. as if trying to alienate audience. sorry, audience. whoever you are.

la fiesta tonight w/o & e. then drinks. flashback moments, now and then, these coupla days w/e. funny thing, hanging my head out to holler from the back of a car (that would break down in ohio the next day), the front seat holding one familiar who's long since moved away and one who's just about to. several distillations in that moment. i could go on about it.

the moon, she's just begun today to wax. the one after this one's the harvest moon. already.

hey, those are cosmic rhythms. watch me cooperate.

talking about words is a squirreling away, but you also gotta talk about the words

song i like much (thanks, dr. robt.) these past many days:

.mp3  -->   "Bitter Cup" -- Testface

it's a waltz.   :-]

i know how this stint of whacky just-go-on got started. kinda saw it in the blog last week. that helps explain the appeal, maybe, at least a little.

i know it's so very like the cosmic forces (i'm supposed to be getting in touch with) are telling me to take a vacation. in a meeting today santa claus said the summer vacation season is coming to a close. and santa knows the seasons; oh yes he does.

probably i want to blow off everything right now precisely because this'd be a really bad time to do that.

speaking of tripping, i had a letter from ol' emerald "rally" w (a.k.a. tommy t), part 1 of 2, but part 2 hasn't arrived yet. tom "dropped, acid that is," as he put it, for the first time in 28 years, was it? the adventure story is only part way through. this time it's not cuz he'd crammed as many sheets in the envelope as would fit (usually 13 or so of the pieces of custom stationery i gave him a few years ago); this time it must be for some other reason. suspense? who knows. anyway, tommy's getting in touch with the cosmic whatever. when last we left him, "instinct [has] kicked in" and, knowing he "had to cut down on sensory overload," he's found himself in a fetal position in an alley somewhere south of virginia ave near the state department. his last words are "Oddly enough, I wasn't frightened; I knew that at some point it would come together, I was only really afraid that some concerned citizen would" --- and that's the bottom of the back of page 6, and the end of what i've got. (maybe the concerned citizen did.) (and then mailed the letter?)

speaking of tom, i've been thinking about suzanne a lot lately. haven't been in touch with that girl. she is quite something. worth getting it together to make a point to see her---which i think has got to mean getting to the mid-atlantic region.

oh, but ...

you can only pretend you're not as stuck as you are for so long. and whatever you think is about money is about something else. money is such a nothing itself, and represents so much, that even people talking about what investments we should make in the face of the tumbling international bamboo market---even those people are probably really talking about something else.

funny thing is, part of life is really good lately, and not bad to be stuck in for a bit. since, after all, we're not stuck in anything forever, even if we think we want to be and set out to, hell-bent for leather (whatever the hell that expression means literally). (what---you're gonna keep going right to hell by slaughtering that bull and making a backpack out of its hide? what a language.)

i am an autumn person. autumn is coming. fall is the season of beginnings. and fall is the time---when none, or few, do hang---that makes you appreciate everything just a little bit more. what more gloriously lifelike combination?

now, in the category "things that would be big, wouldn't they," ...

i recently had a creature i loved killed before my eyes.

don't pish-posh that way of saying it, to comfort me, or whatever. i'm saying it that way on purpose.

i mean, people have sent me condolence cards. they only do that when it's big, right?

the vet's had a long handwritten paragraph telling me how not wrong it was what i did. which was the first time i really thought, as if out loud to myself, that it might have been. or how wrong it is, no matter how wrong it's not. to do that. like i did.

i think i kinda stopped processing it a day or two afterwards. might still owe a little something on that account, eh? (yes, it's possible i'm just over it. holy crap, who are you?)


in other things (that would be...), have had some really good talk. and good talk to have had. was gonna pull out the RL journal to talk about that, but haven't. so, i give you the following.

really good talk:  good.


the ol' vida's quite loca, i'm sure, i'm sure. but i may make the mattress by midnight...