April 11th, 2007


kill me now. only don't. only do. only don't.

Morning's gonna come early.

I had the misfortune---I forgot to mention to my companion this evening---of thinking of a line from Desert Dykes today.

I have the additional/attendant misfortune of being unable not to scoff at myself thinking of lines from a canonical dyke movie. Sheesh, already. It's not even one of the better lines. Or one I think of much, ordinarily, insofar as those lines sometimes come to me.

Wanted earlier to throw the (my/this) body into freezing water & get hypothermiacky. Didn't do it. Didn't really want to do it. But wanted something like that. Do you ever want something like that? It wouldn't have to be exactly that. There's the thing about smashing my face into something, or something into my face. Or ---something dramatic. Something physical and dramatic. Something that would occupy all the nerve endings completely, or some of the nerve endings so much it might as well be all of 'em. Not the brick in the head, though. I spoke too soon on that one. Not the brick. It's not all in the noggin, anyway. And, besides, that'd really hurt.

I have a zit on my nose. No, that's good. O says it's good. Or she says it means hormones, anyway.

Yeah, I've been drinking, officer. Pig. Do you know the expression "I smell bacon"? meaning there are cops around?

Ever have someone who was terminally ill suggest that, after she dies, you take up extreme sports and undertake other high-risk activities so that, without exactly commiting suicide, you might nonetheless be reunited sooner?

Do you think there's no way in hell I'll ever actual break out in dangerous inviting of hypothermia or other extreme physical craziness? If so, would you like to dare/goad/shame me into it? Please? I guess I'd prefer dare or goad, but I'm not in a position to be particular. Too bad about the weight limit at the freakin' skydiving thing. Skydiving shouldn't have weight limits. The whole point is that you plummet. And I have wanted to skydive for years now.

I wonder if Suzanne regretted her plunge into Lake McDonald that day years ago, in Glacier, on the last day before the park closed for the winter. I think she did regret it, at least right after she did it. I think she was only glad of it much later, when it was but a story to tell, and no longer the sense of "oh shit" mortality she'd (presumably) been going for. When just the two of us were down there and she couldn't stop shaking & was practically in shock... well. Maybe it was actually great.

Wonder if I'm violating my new horoscope advice.

I got a lot going on & nothing right to channel it into. Hope I get some really engaging dreams tonight, anyway. I shall imagine that that'll happen as I go to sleep. Stevie's therapist told him that you can make yourself remember them, at least, by telling yourself before sleep that you will. I believe he said it worked, but that he found out his dreams were all nightmares, so he wasn't going to be sticking with the program.

Don't think; just throw.

can't find the freakin' "off" switch tonight
MR door

afternoon at the office

the glasses guy called--- there's a delay, as the first lenses they made didn't pass some test involving a steel ball being dropped on them. (?) i was just noticing how far down my nose i'm pushing these lenses now, even for regular galley font size on the desk in front of me. it is SO time. but not quite/yet time. so what else is new! and tell me about it.

it's been a day of lines. a bunch from songs, oh yes & oh my, plus "what does it say about you, the urge to undermine?", and who knows what others. well, many from routine-ish nonroutine typings, too, no doubt. i just remember that one i quoted there (perhaps not fully accurately) cuz i typed it out shortly afterwards.

got btk's mariachi record in the hopper right now, and a cuppa the strong stuff. feels like a good day.

helluva hug w/the freshly-defended B, after running into her & F at TJ's yesterday. she seems quite different, having passed that milestone, and then (reportedly) sleeping a lot.

back to't.

it's character-building

So, we "character"s (as in "you're a real ___") may seem on some linguistic level not to need it, but I am, irregardless, engaging in character building. Right? That's what's happening, right? That's a wherefore, good buddy?

I begin to wonder whether I really have the touch necessary to make a go of my imagined big-business business of selling people rationalizations. I may be losing faith in my talent for that kind of thing.