April 29th, 2004


sick (and sick of it)

Have taken a turn for the worse, physiologically and psychologically (perhaps no coincidence). Can't shake the ailment; throat---and head---worse than at any point all week. And, after being esp.ly nervous bracing for H. call last night, was stood up. Shouldn't be surprised, I suppose, but didn't take it well. Have been shaky about all that lately anyway, and wondering why it seems to be getting harder, not easier, or even just staying more-or-less equally shitty.

It has been postulated that my being sick is making it harder to take that that situation is still going so painfully, and painfully slowly. Part of it, too, is surely that other break-ups I'm hearing about, while hardly smooth, at least seem to involve some well-meaning communication between parties. I still don't understand why H.'s attitude changed so dramatically for the worse after we separated, though at least I have plenty of theories I can revisit in trying to imagine an answer. Still, theories only help a little, and only in one vein, and that's probably not the most important, uh, metaphorical blood vessel for my good, er, circulation.

There was supposed to be an aspect, albeit perhaps a baby-steps one, of moving on this week. Ain't happenin'.