'Ff'lo (fflo) wrote,

Bow Tie Tuesday

I took this picture at work, but I'm home now, and have taken off the tie.  It's a pleasing tie, to the touch as well as to the eye, my eye, my touch.  A nice thick cotton---fabric people would be able to put another adjective or noun or two in there as well.  It was on sale.  Do you notice the flip-flops?  No one I asked in person today had noticed the flip-flops.  Tracy looked down at my feet first, even.

So I was going through old email more at work today, dumping over 50K of them today.  It was weird in places.  In the early days I did use my work email for personal stuff more.  I'd forgotten some things about old interactions with friends, and tho I'd remembered how affectionately my old gf and I behaved toward each other most of the time, it was still pretty weird reading off-handedly loving words, phrases, subtext, and having a sense of that time of regular, steady mutual affection arise in me again.  I was pretty cursory, generally, in the glancing through of years of messages, but so many little things popped up here and there; all the specifics and flavors and people and engagement that grabbed me made for, among other feelings, a real awareness of how long a life I've had in that job, and how many little lives I've lived there, and while there.

I stopped at the library on the way home, picked up some books, and sat there and read all 4 essays in Oliver Sacks's last little volume, Gratitude.  In the last of those essays, right before the end, in the next-to-last sentence of them all, he says:

And now, weak, short of breath, my once-firm muscles
melted away by cancer, I find my thoughts, increasingly,
not on the supernatural or spiritual but on
what is meant by living a good and worthwhile life---
achieving a sense of peace within oneself.

And now, after eating pasta with a thrown-together two-mushroom sauce, one cat next to me on the lid of a big rubber tub, the emotional wind still not quite recovered after a strange mini-gut-punch that knocked it half outta me just before I started this post, I find my thoughts, after typing Oliver's words, wondering how far along I've come in that project myself--- achieving a sense of peace within myself.  And I wonder, too:  does such a thing, arrived at eventually, truly make a life good and worthwhile?
Tags: btt

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.