It's a lot to absorb, the experience of letting her go, the waves of realization of her being gone and all it means and all the ways I will be reckoning (with) it and dealing with it and living on in a world less good than it was with her in it. There's also, I was telling somebody, the physiology of exhaustion and grief and the sudden release of the strain of the tension and extended uncertainty and holding-of-breath I've been in. And there are moments when the cat's being sweet to me or, I dunno, I'm drinking some water and forget about it for some seconds, or just feel the dull stunned air-knocked-outta-me numbish stare. And then there's when someone is kind to me, and I feel the acute smart of tenderness and may well bust out weeping all over again.
Thanks, lj people, for being nice to me. Most recently sabotabby offered good wishes & said it must be agonizing, the waiting and not knowing. And yeah, it was. It's a different thing now.
Here's what I wrote on facebook:
I have the saddest news.
My dog Lula, after a grueling week+ stay in the doggie hospital, with lotsa back-and-forth between hopeful rallying times/signs and scary discouraging indications/times, took that big turn for the worse you hate hate hate but there it is, and I had to say goodbye to her this morning.
She's been my buddy, and it's so hard. So heavy. Suddenly having entered a whole nuther stage of life you don't want to be in. I'm gonna miss her forever, and I still love her, dead and all. I know all of you, including those who don't even like dogs, know what I'm talking about. Right? (Right.)
A few days ago some dear people started a fund to help me with part of her very high vet bills---I'll put the link here too in case you'd like to chip in. She really did have a fighting chance, and the folks at Michigan State are great. Sometimes it really looked like she might be recovering, and I dared hope.
My deepest thanks to everyone who contributed to the fund, or who still might, and to people being so very kind to me in general during this time. It's been so touching sometimes it's like I can barely stand it, on top of everything else. Maybe that doesn't make sense. I dunno. It's true. I'm so sad, and I appreciate you all so much.
I'm rarely on facebook anymore, so if you want to get in touch another means might be more efficient. I'm sure I'll be back here at some point. Meanwhile, everything sucks, and none of these emojis comes close.