Sad to hear the lovebug kitty of a friend left us last night. He was very affectionate, even after he came down with a skin condition a few years ago that made him fragile and wound-y. Makes me think about losses she's been through lately, and how she (kinda bizarrely, to my mind) thought I'd ditched her not too long ago, and didn't even want to hear my point of view on that, which in turn made me feel abandoned, in a small but powerful way. Of course I know we can only do the best that we can do, me and others. But it's still gonna hurt sometimes, and mean needing to step away to take care of oneself. Yet, for me anyway, the pain of the stepping away, and being estranged, can be a most nasty and powerful and persistent chronic ache. So much so I have to force myself sometimes to take a little distance and have a chance to heal up some. My itch/instinct is to set aside my pain before I've even finished feeling it, in the spirit of doing anything to repair the rift. Rebuild the bridge. Like that. I'm unlearning, slowly but slowly.
Then when something fundamentally humanly sad happens, like a death, I remember what matters underneath and, in some odd way, get a sort of strength about my wounds and scabs on their way to being scars. Only sometimes does that translate into reconnection. Depends on the other person's inclinations too, of course. But I do really want to hug my friend, in no cursory fashion, and I feel the unconditional part of my love for her now.
I have a new pen pal maybe, and aim to take this afternoon to write her, before running errands and coming back to tend pup and change into show clothes. I keep zoning out and playing a game on my phone, especially when the dog is snoozing and not futzing with her feet, but enough of that for now. Time to post a postcard, prepare my package return and sit down and enjoy writing a letter.
